How to stop being so competitive – and why it’s not always good for you

HOW many situations have you scoffed at the phrase: “It’s the using part that counts?”

We’re informed winning is not everything, but for numerous of us, the strategy of not successful – no matter whether at perform, at the faculty gates, participating in video games or on social media (64% of us assess ourselves with buddies and household online, as properly as superstars and influencers*) – is appalling and to be averted at all charges. 

Here are eight ways to control your competitive streak and stop it ruining your life


Listed here are eight means to control your competitive streak and quit it ruining your existenceCredit rating: Getty Visuals

“A little bit of competitiveness can be beneficial, simply because it can generate you forwards, fuel ambition and support you be the finest you can be,” suggests Dee Holmes, counsellor and scientific products and services manager at Relate.

“And it can be pleasurable if you want to win anything but won’t be devastated if you really do not.”

Nevertheless, if you do come to feel devastated and not able to acquire a decline graciously, you may perhaps be using competing much too far, influencing your associations, your skill to appreciate routines and get on at get the job done.

So here’s how to retain a lid on your competitive nature…  

Model Very good Behaviour Early On

Competitiveness generally starts off young.

“Parents can have a whole lot to response for,” states Dee.

“Sometimes spouse and children customers are pitched towards every other.

“The evaluate of achievements is profitable and if you really do not triumph, you never acquire, and that could be the way you acquired acceptance or felt your moms and dads believed you had performed nicely.”

Generally, it is carried out with the finest of intentions.

“Parents will inspire little ones – they want them to do nicely at university, in games, and to realize success. They don’t want them to stroll away from matters. But on some stage, they are stating: ‘This isn’t enjoyable or performed till it is concluded,’” points out Dee. 

“Instead, parents want to think about how to make positive, constructive opposition into children’s life, that will stand them in excellent stead, so that they will want to achieve, do nicely and will not be lazy, but that they can also cope with setbacks and disappointment.”

One way to do this is to make confident you never always let little ones acquire at video games.

“Otherwise they won’t be equipped to offer with not successful,” states Dee.

“And try out to design good conduct your self.

“So if they beat you, be happy for them!” 

Beware The ‘Proud Parent’ Trap

It’s important to respect your child as a particular person in their possess ideal.

“When dad and mom contend with other parents, there’s an implication that: ‘My child is strolling early simply because I’m these kinds of a great mom,’ when actually, your kid is strolling early due to the fact bodily which is the way they’re crafted,” claims Dee.

“It’s excellent to be very pleased of those people milestones, but be mindful of how you share that with persons who may perhaps be nervous about their little one not going for walks yet, or if their youngster is battling with anything.”

Delight in The Moment 

You may well want to drag your concentrate back again to the process, fairly than crossing the complete line in a blaze of glory.

“Every early morning I swim for 50 % an hour and I generally uncover myself seeking at the clock, wondering: ‘I’ve however got so numerous lengths to go!’” suggests Dee.

“But then I verify myself and instead attempt to consider: ‘Stop concentrating on ticking swimming off your to-do list and actually love the swim alone.’”

She recommends hoping to be much more conscious in the minute whichever you are accomplishing.

“If you are taking part in a board sport, pause, glance about and imagine: ‘I’m sitting listed here with spouse and children and friends, enjoying Monopoly and a glass of wine and essentially it is pleasurable – it is not about me winning.’”

Look at Why You are Competing

Believe about what particularly you are competing in opposition to.

“We’re quite good at searching at the negatives, but even if you did swim slower than yesterday, you’ve nevertheless done 20 lengths, which is superior than if you’d stayed in bed!” says Dee.

“Why are you currently being so challenging on your self?

“You can get caught in a cycle of achieving, accomplishing, acquiring.

“But there is a even larger image.

“Your morning exercise is a tiny section of your working day – and you did it, so target on that somewhat than considering: ‘I didn’t do as nicely as I’d hoped.’”

Deal with Social Media With Warning

Though numerous folks do now place the good and poor on social media, this sort of platforms can even now make you feel like you and your existence are lacking.

Try to remember that what you see on-line is only a tiny snapshot.

“When people today are showing their young ones or their ideal dwelling, component of me thinks: ‘Well, you are on social media correct now, you’re not looking at to your kid or actively playing with them!’” claims Dee.

“We need to dwell our life, not live our lives for social media, and if people are performing that, they are most likely not dwelling their finest lifetime.”

She endorses unfollowing people with life that are massively out of achieve.

“But if it’s your buddies and family you are searching at enviously, recall they might have a lovely house, but they in all probability also have a mortgage they’re concerned about,” she provides.

“There is often a draw back to an upside.”

Know Your Limits 

Ever been explained to you could do anything if you “just place your mind to it”?

Regretably, even if there was full equality and you were as aggressive as humanly doable, we nevertheless could not all be astronauts or pop stars.

“We have to settle for there are lots of items we can do, but that we do have limitations,” states Dee.

“We’re not all going to come to be Prime Minister.

“You require to consider about what it is you want to achieve.

“Focus on that, be realistic about it and be informed of what the penalties could possibly be.

“You just can’t have it all, so if you make a decision you want to operate a marathon, for illustration, you’ll have to get up at 5am just about every morning to teach and skip out on other things.”

Recognize The Cost 

If you do force you in one particular spot of your existence, Dee states you have to be conscious of the expense to other places.

Weigh up how a great deal it will subject to you in the potential, as effectively as now.

“You listen to people say: ‘I don’t have time for a romantic relationship simply because I’m concentrating on my job.’

“That could be a wise alternative at the time, but in 15 many years, they may possibly really feel they’ve skipped the opportunity to have a family, for instance,” she says.

“It’s about equilibrium.

“Being too aggressive can also make you unpopular, because it can deliver out a ruthless facet, and if you are a sore loser, individuals may possibly not want to be with you.”

Talk to For Feedback At Work 

Being aggressive at get the job done can take you considerably, but you also have to take that factors will not constantly go your way.

“If you experience that a colleague obtained a promotion in excess of you that they didn’t should have, for case in point, it is crucial to request your interviewing panel for constructive feedback on exactly where factors went wrong and what to do future time,” claims Dee.

“If you truly feel dissatisfied, it’s a chance to get inventory and assume: ‘Why am I feeling like this? What can I do to really feel in a different way? How can I go forward?’ Perspective it as a mastering possibility.” 

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